Escape into the Curve
When I turned 17 I started to kiss girls. Not long after I lost my virginity in a tent at Woodstock '99 to the sound of Fred Durst screaming "Break Stuff". How romantic. For my first "serious" relationship I enjoyed the company of two women concurrently. Though only one of them was my official girlfriend it was OK, because the other girl was my girlfriend's girlfriend. The first time she cheated on me with one of her other boyfriends, I thought I was going to die. The second time and beyond, I started to get use to it emotionally, though it hurt more every time. Finally, I left in the middle of the night and drove home two and half hours to cry in my mother's bed. What a mess. The second girl cheated too. Ironically, you couldn't have paid me any sum of money to have cheated on either of them until I lost my faith in women. Once I did, I began my escape into the curve.
The escape into the curve was the pattern I created of using women as distractions to protect myself against facing my own emotional pain. It lasted years and broke many hearts. I would not stop at creating a physical connection because the pain wasn't physical, it wasn't just sex with women... it was creating an experience to fall in love with. I would feel deeper into the softness of the feminine emotion and thrust myself into their arms promising a deeper experience of love than they had ever imagined. Though my intentions were typically in support of this scenario to actually happen, I ignorantly possessed no means to create such love.
In order for them to believe, it was the type of trick I had to trick myself to believe in first. But, I was able to because, remember, I had been practicing on myself with my own emotions since childhood. The same behavior carried over into my interactions with women. I had no idea what karma I was creating, what damage I was causing, and what behavioral dysfunction I was reinforcing in my own self.
It got to the point where I would create a connection with a beautiful woman not to distract myself, but to escape myself. The intensity of my flight got greater and greater as I grew older. As I started to gain awareness of my pattern I began to fight it, but would often times feel intense shame for being unable to quit and for feeling so addicted to such a vile habit. There were nights when I knew I'd be cheating I would cry and pray for the strength to face whatever urge was causing me to escape, but I didn't find the strength. I couldn't say no. It was my heroine. I was a junkie.
When I finally quit and stopped escaping I put up a massive power struggle and fought the addiction hard. I took myself out of the flow of life to prevent myself from any slip ups that could have taken place. In seclusion, I broke the chain and stopped escaping into women. But, what a lesson learned.
The escape into the curve was the pattern I created of using women as distractions to protect myself against facing my own emotional pain. It lasted years and broke many hearts. I would not stop at creating a physical connection because the pain wasn't physical, it wasn't just sex with women... it was creating an experience to fall in love with. I would feel deeper into the softness of the feminine emotion and thrust myself into their arms promising a deeper experience of love than they had ever imagined. Though my intentions were typically in support of this scenario to actually happen, I ignorantly possessed no means to create such love.
In order for them to believe, it was the type of trick I had to trick myself to believe in first. But, I was able to because, remember, I had been practicing on myself with my own emotions since childhood. The same behavior carried over into my interactions with women. I had no idea what karma I was creating, what damage I was causing, and what behavioral dysfunction I was reinforcing in my own self.
It got to the point where I would create a connection with a beautiful woman not to distract myself, but to escape myself. The intensity of my flight got greater and greater as I grew older. As I started to gain awareness of my pattern I began to fight it, but would often times feel intense shame for being unable to quit and for feeling so addicted to such a vile habit. There were nights when I knew I'd be cheating I would cry and pray for the strength to face whatever urge was causing me to escape, but I didn't find the strength. I couldn't say no. It was my heroine. I was a junkie.
When I finally quit and stopped escaping I put up a massive power struggle and fought the addiction hard. I took myself out of the flow of life to prevent myself from any slip ups that could have taken place. In seclusion, I broke the chain and stopped escaping into women. But, what a lesson learned.
Escape into the Mother Curve
The combination of emotional pain, travel, and women made for EXTREME escapism. I went through a phase where I could not stay in one place for more than 2 weeks straight before I would be boarding a plane to somewhere I had never been before. My escape into the various continents took to me to every land mass with the exception of Antarctica. I was looking outside of myself for the cure. I was needing female human energy to complete me. I was transforming the loving energy of a female partner into the care-taking energy of a surrogate Mother to compensate for the years my Mother went M.I.A. I was looking all over for a place that would have me stay.
