Re-Entry and Redefining the Borderline
In 80 straight hours I traveled in upwards of 9,000 miles, across the Pacific Ocean and the North American continent twice before picking up my new girlfriend I had met for the first time along a 900 mile drive through the desert to my mother's house. Welcome home. I was physically sick for a week from the shock of change. I would be mentally sick for the next year and a half of my life from stopping to face the reasons behind my final escape into the curve. Thanks to two beautiful women who gave me more than I deserved, my family, my friends, and my unwillingness to quit, I emerged from my cycle.
This time in my life was the closest I had ever come to suicide. There was no place left for me to escape, but I tried with every motion. I was trapped with myself and hating life. I killed every attempt to be loved. I made it impossible for her to love me, but she never stopped trying. I would run away but she would always come to find me in her little red car. One day she forced me to see a shrink, though I was crying out so she didn't have to force that hard. It was soon after that I realized how deep my escape from reality had become, how lost I was, how confused my emotional reactions had grown away from truth and into lies that I had used to sooth myself. I was well equipped with the wisdom of a sage and the habits of a fool. How confusing. When I spoke to the shrink I would reach points of memory that would spark specific points of stored pain that I would release through crying. Unveiling a hidden truth was like discovering a treasure. The release was felt like stretching the inside of my heart, making more room inside for love. It felt like taking off a heavy backpack, getting out of the car and stretching after driving for a prolonged amount of time. It felt like taking myself back through time to gather parts that I had lost.
This time in my life was the closest I had ever come to suicide. There was no place left for me to escape, but I tried with every motion. I was trapped with myself and hating life. I killed every attempt to be loved. I made it impossible for her to love me, but she never stopped trying. I would run away but she would always come to find me in her little red car. One day she forced me to see a shrink, though I was crying out so she didn't have to force that hard. It was soon after that I realized how deep my escape from reality had become, how lost I was, how confused my emotional reactions had grown away from truth and into lies that I had used to sooth myself. I was well equipped with the wisdom of a sage and the habits of a fool. How confusing. When I spoke to the shrink I would reach points of memory that would spark specific points of stored pain that I would release through crying. Unveiling a hidden truth was like discovering a treasure. The release was felt like stretching the inside of my heart, making more room inside for love. It felt like taking off a heavy backpack, getting out of the car and stretching after driving for a prolonged amount of time. It felt like taking myself back through time to gather parts that I had lost.
Borderline
Doctors, medical professionals, counselors, they RUN FOR THE HILLS when you mention BPD, its an interesting phenomenon, I've seen it. It perplexes people because at first glance nothing seems to be wrong with an otherwise slightly awkward by charismatic human being. Consider it a master disguise.
It was difficult to read about the symptoms of borderline personality disorder because I was a dead ringer. The only two symptoms I wasn't displaying were suicidal tendencies and the cutting of my flesh. I guess I could take the perspective that it could have been worse.
It was difficult to read about the symptoms of borderline personality disorder because I was a dead ringer. The only two symptoms I wasn't displaying were suicidal tendencies and the cutting of my flesh. I guess I could take the perspective that it could have been worse.
The term I often read was that borderline's have emotional responses to stimulation that are not "age appropriate". Basically, I was a giant three year old who still needed love from his Mommy. But, I didn't have my Mommy, so I forced my girlfriend to act like one.
For the following year and a half I needed a caretaker. I was desperate and dependent, by no means mentally well. I was sensitive to everything. But, I was steadfast on staying myself so I refused to take medication. I knew I could figure out a way to manage my extreme emotional disposition. It required work and practice, a lot of acceptance. I use the analogy of a "Beautiful Mind" for people who don't understand what its like. In the movie John Nash comes to terms with his schizophrenia, realizing that his disposition will always be to see things that aren't physically there, yet he must make the conscious choice of not recognizing those things for they lead him down a path of self destruction. For me it is a similar story, I will, through my disposition always feel things that aren't really there and similarly must make my choice to not actualize those feelings.
For the following year and a half I needed a caretaker. I was desperate and dependent, by no means mentally well. I was sensitive to everything. But, I was steadfast on staying myself so I refused to take medication. I knew I could figure out a way to manage my extreme emotional disposition. It required work and practice, a lot of acceptance. I use the analogy of a "Beautiful Mind" for people who don't understand what its like. In the movie John Nash comes to terms with his schizophrenia, realizing that his disposition will always be to see things that aren't physically there, yet he must make the conscious choice of not recognizing those things for they lead him down a path of self destruction. For me it is a similar story, I will, through my disposition always feel things that aren't really there and similarly must make my choice to not actualize those feelings.
Escape from Present Time
The main problem that a borderline suffers from is the inability to consistently remain present. The emotional pain and the intensity of perception creates a need to separate one's self from the physical experience. Borderlines cut themselves because the physical pain relieves the emotional agony. If you want to know what it feels like picture your skin burning without the smell of charred flesh, just that instead of it being your skin, its the place you feel happiness from, burning.
Add the weight of stress as if it were your impending death. It feels like heat under pressure without being able to breathe, just that there is no wound, no broken bone, no defining proof of such a pain for our senses to perceive. Thus, it mystifies.
How to heal it
Borderline is like a knot that must be untied. To treat it like the Gordian knot is suicide which is the route many borderline's take. But, in truth, to survive and reach one's optimal state of being, you must take the time to sit down and untie the knot. Finding the actual uncomfortable urges that push you out of present is part of identifying how the mechanisms and triggers work. Once you find the paths of each trigger and identify the stimulation that activates each trigger, you must quite simply find the strength to expose yourself to the trigger and reprogram your reaction. Its practice. But, remember, you've been creating lies about how you feel since childhood and the habit is part of your identity. It feels comfortable and familiar. What is healthy is uncomfortable so you have to be willing to be uncomfortable for as long as it takes, without having any time line. Its your potential as a human being, your family, your creation that is on the line. Be brave.
