Break Down
I was seemingly the perfect student. Though in truth, I was afraid to bring home any grade less than an "A". It was not a love for learning that motivated me, it was the fear of disapproval. School was easy. I didn't have to study because I remembered everything I needed to know from class. So, instead I watched "Saved by the Bell" and other popular time wasters. I didn't like the shows much, but watching TV was a lot easier than being in my head. As a child I was afraid to be alone. At night I would gaze up through the skylight above my bed and cry myself to sleep trying to find the end of infinity. I would take the concept of death and play out the scenario of "being dead forever". It was scary not be able to identify the end of time. I wasn't afraid of death itself, I was of the uncontrollable reality of the infinite. It was through visions like this that I also began to fear the depth of my own perception. So, school was easy.
During grade school and my young adolescents being good at everything didn't make me happy, rather, it made me hungrier for power and attention. When I started to feel unchallenged and neglected by my parents, I lashed out and broke things; trust, property, the law, and my support system's belief in me. It was a very difficult group of supporters to break, but I finally did. There wasn't a single person who knew me who couldn't tell I was hurting. The problem was, I had no idea what to do with my pain so, I just kept it together as best I could through continuous cyclical periods of self destruction. It was like clockwork.
Massively confused, I began to hate. I found the perfect place to hate through, politics. From school, traveling, and foreign friends I gained much knowledge of the world's political systems. I began to look down on people who had no view, no awareness. It was the perfect excuse to force myself onto to people and not let things be. It was exactly what I needed at the time, an external focus, a point of major distraction, and something relatively worthy of burying my feelings of hatred.
I was focused on the world's dysfunctions instead of my own. I became a society blamer instead of a co-creator. I was ignorant, though I never would have admitted it. I was shameful for being so upset. I fed my rage into the spirit of political protest. All of the modes of my participation were but a gigantic mirror I was blind to seeing.
During grade school and my young adolescents being good at everything didn't make me happy, rather, it made me hungrier for power and attention. When I started to feel unchallenged and neglected by my parents, I lashed out and broke things; trust, property, the law, and my support system's belief in me. It was a very difficult group of supporters to break, but I finally did. There wasn't a single person who knew me who couldn't tell I was hurting. The problem was, I had no idea what to do with my pain so, I just kept it together as best I could through continuous cyclical periods of self destruction. It was like clockwork.
Massively confused, I began to hate. I found the perfect place to hate through, politics. From school, traveling, and foreign friends I gained much knowledge of the world's political systems. I began to look down on people who had no view, no awareness. It was the perfect excuse to force myself onto to people and not let things be. It was exactly what I needed at the time, an external focus, a point of major distraction, and something relatively worthy of burying my feelings of hatred.
I was focused on the world's dysfunctions instead of my own. I became a society blamer instead of a co-creator. I was ignorant, though I never would have admitted it. I was shameful for being so upset. I fed my rage into the spirit of political protest. All of the modes of my participation were but a gigantic mirror I was blind to seeing.
